Mr Oldman's Revenge Part 2
by Cpl. Bull S. Kwikki
Summary: After Amanda Bynes is locked in an insane asylum once again for her erratic behavior, Penelope Taynt (Amanda's Number One Fan Please!) goes on a mission to bust her out and clear her name: a fanfic containing hijinks, shenanigans, and a touch of pathos for all you bleeding hearts. Rated M for language, innuendo, and taboo subject matter.
1. Chapter 1: Group Therapy Session

Mr. Oldman's Revenge Part 2: Penelope Taynt is Beautiful to Demons

* * *

After Amanda Bynes is locked in an insane asylum once again for her erratic behavior, Penelope Taynt (Amanda's Number One Fan Please!) goes on a mission to bust her out and clear her name: a fanfic containing hijinks, shenanigans, and a touch of pathos for all you bleeding hearts. Rated M for language, innuendo, and taboo subject matter.

[Note: this takes place at least 1 decade after the events of "Mr. Oldman's Revenge Part 1 (also on this site)" which of course took place on September 10th, 2001.]

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Chapter One

* * *

References in this chapter:

-Nickelodeon in general between 1994 and 2014

-Amanda Bynes's various crimes, arrests, psychiatric holds, etc.

-She's the Man (2006)

-One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)

-The Righteous Brothers's "Unchained Melody"

-The Victorious episode "Rex Dies"

-Jim Norton's "OCD Scumbags" rant

-Necro's song "Beautiful Music for you to Die To" (or "WKCR 89.9 Freestyle")

-A&W Rootbeer commercial with "Mr. Dumbass"

* * *

It is Spring 201X. Due to her various insane shenanigans (side swiping a police car, shaving her head, DUI, throwing a bong out of a 36th story window, getting dumb tattoos and breast implants), Amanda Bynes has once again been locked in a mental institution after being put on a 5150 psychiatric hold by her parents, and is making little progress.

Time goes by (so slowly), and the natural, dirty blonde hair on Amanda's previously shaved head has grown out to about the length of her male wig in "She's the Man." She gages time by the length of her hair (as there are no calendars or timepieces in the mental institution, much like a casino or grocery store) and estimates she has been locked up at least three months.

In a vain attempt to bring her back to reality, Amanda is finally taken her out of solitary confinement and is forced into a group therapy session with the other lunatics in the asylum who have been there for years. They sit in a ring of plastic chairs arranged by the hospital staff and wait patiently for the 'talking stick' to be passed to them in order to speak. There is much love and 'undiestandings' between the various lunatics, with the head psychiatrist, Dr. Dumas, leading the way.

Amanda is having none of it however. Due to the annoyance of having to listen to the stupidity of the other mental patients, as well as her multiple personality disorder (from the trauma based mind control she suffered as a child) acting up, she begins to channel her angry 'Ask Ashley' character from "All That" at this meeting and starts to attack the group by insulting their neuroses.

For instance, she mocks a man with severe, superstition based OCD just as he begins to tell his boring, aimless life story. He is the type who _has_ to touch a doorknob 50 times before opening it, amongst other things. He is also a huge fan of baseball statistics (but not of the game itself, oddly enough), but that's beside the point. Tired of being insulted by the disgraced former starlet, he hands the 'talking stick' to the fat, paranoid, old lady sitting next to him, and gets up to leave the room in a huff.

Just as he reaches the door, Amanda runs up to him. As he nervously begins to count the number of times he taps the doorknob, she yells out random numbers, animals, and kitchen utensils in his ear. She finally makes him lose track of his counting, reducing him to a slobbering, twitching, crying mess collapsed on the floor. Amanda then opens the door for him, shouting, "look what I did, I turned the stinkin' doorknob! You touch it once and then you turn it!" She then mocks the convulsing middle aged loser, "EEE I have to count to fifty cuz my mother drank when I was in the womb and I was shoved in a locker every day of middle school! It's called being obsessive compulsive about being an annoying idiot! MAAAAN!"

Dr. Dumas walks over and attempts to take control of the situation by giving Amanda a happy pill and forcing her back to the circle of mental patients as the orderlies drag the incapacitated man out of the opened door back to his padded room.

After being seated for about 4 seconds, Amanda becomes instantly bored and starts attacking the fat, paranoid, old lady who was in the middle of spastically explaining how her husband put a hit out on her in 1983 and that the hitmen are still out to get her. Amanda grabs the 'talking stick' from the fat, paranoid, old lady and claims that she herself is the hitman that has been hunting for her the past 3X years. The fat, paranoid, old lady screams and tries to escape Amanda who begins to chase her around the seated circle of mental patients a la Duck-Duck-Goose, brandishing the 'talking stick' as if it were a billy club. Amanda repeatedly shouts "MA HA! MA HA!" (having donned her "Amanda Show" character 'Crazy Courtney's' crazy personality by now) along the way. After a few runs around the maypole, the fat, paranoid, old lady ditches the circle and jumps out the nearby open window, falling two stories. Amanda states plainly (in character as Courtney), "trying to fly…" before she returns to her seat as if nothing has happened.

After all these disruptions, Dr. Dumas decides he's had enough and orders his orderlies to put (the currently out of order) Amanda back into the rubber room. She refuses to go at first, but is shot up with a certain serum and is happily coaxed into the chamber by the giant black male nurse from the Victorious episode "Rex Dies."


	2. Chapter 2: Individual Therapy Session

Chapter Two

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References in this chapter:

-Girl Interrupted (1998)

-50 Shades of Grey (2014)

-David Cross's CD "It's Not Funny"

-Arrested Development (the TV show, not the rap group)

-She's the Man (2006)

-Altered States (1980)

-Zoey 101 episode "Spring Fling"

-Victorious episode "Freak the Freak Out"

* * *

After a few hours in isolation, Dr. Dumas presumes Amanda has "cooled off" and sends two staff members to retrieve her from the rubber room. When the two open the door to pull her out of the chamber, Amanda keeps saying, "5 minutes everyone, 5 minutes." The employees have no idea what the fuck she's talking about (as they've never seen "All That"), so they relock the door and go to inform Dr. Dumas of her request.

The clueless psychiatrist thinks this means that the therapy is working (as he's never seen "All That" either, his loss). "She only needs 5 more minutes to collect her thoughts? That means the psychotropics must be working." After the 5 minutes are up, the two orderlies grab her from the isolation chamber and move her despite her continued protests. She begins to finally calm down as they near Dr. Dumas's office. They enter the office that the waiting shrink is in, plop Amanda in a chair opposite the psychiatrist's desk, walk out, and wait on the other side of the door. They have been trained to stay nearby in case of an emergency.

Dr. Dumas begins by first subtly greeting Amanda specifically by her name to make sure she is not in one of her "altered" states. She responds positively, so the shrink offers her a cup of coffee and goes ahead with the meat of the matter.

Dr. Dumas's bright idea is to show Amanda glossy headshots of people she had worked with throughout her aborted acting career in an attempt to bring her back to reality and make her realize how wonderful life was back then. These people (unbeknownst to the psychiatrist) were all previous lovers of Amanda. She sips the coffee throughout.

He begins to explain to her what he is about to do, "now, Amanda, we need to test your memory; how far it goes back, how accurate it is, etc. [Note from the editor: yes, he really did say "etc."] I'm going to show you pictures of people, and I need you to tell me if you remember any of these people, and maybe a brief description, if you feel comfortable."

Amanda responds weakly, due to the medication, a simple, "okay."

The psychiatrist pulls up the first facedown headshot from his sturdy desk; it is a photo of Drake Bell. "Right, now do you remember this fellow?" He taps his index finger on the edge of the photo to draw her split attention to it.

Amanda instantly knows and responds, gaining some strength, "Oh yes, that's Drake Bell. I knew him. He was a big musician; he headlined Pacific Coast Academy's Spring Fling 2004. I worked with him on my show starting in… 1999? He was my first honest to goodness boyfriend. He still likes me a lot… I believe."

The psychiatrist nods sympathetically and readies another card, "good, I have another…" He lifts the next card. It is a photo of David Cross (or rather one of the funny headshots of him as Tobias Funke from Arrested Development).

Amanda responds, gaining more strength and steadiness to her voice and even a halfway smile, "okay yeah, that's David Cross. We were in "She's the Man" together. We were lovers, actually. Very briefly. He thought the age of consent should be lowered to 15. I kind of agree with him." She smiles almost all the way now at the ridiculous notion and lets out a slight laugh.

The psychiatrist is disgusted, thinking 'it's not funny…' but tries to hide his revulsion from Amanda, saying, "Interesting, I'll note that. Now I have one more…"

He lifts the 3rd card which shows Dan Schneider's smiling face. She immediately starts to freak the freak out; jumping up and pushing everything off of the psychiatrist's desk, throwing her coffee at (and missing) the shrink, tearing apart the furniture, grabbing the shrink's framed diplomas off his wall and smashing them on his desk, all the while screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

The shrink cowers behind his desk, avoiding the projectiles. He calls out to the men on other side of the door, "GUARD!"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The staff runs in and tazes her into submission. She collapses and is now a writhing, shivering, shattered mess on the floor. They strap her onto a gurney, a la "Girl Interrupted" and wheel her into the red room of pain. As her brain is being electrocuted, Dr. Dumas yells over her convulsing body, as if performing an exorcism, "MARIJUANA HAS RUINED YOUR LIFE! MARIJUANA HAS RUINED YOUR LIFE!" After she is nearly dead, he motions for them to stop. He begins to postulate some asinine theory. "Okay, she must be cured by now… But it makes no sense. Schneider was the one who 'made' her essentially, she should have been happy to see his picture. Oh well, we'll have to run more tests. Take her away."

The orderlies wheel her back into her cell, wrap her limp body up in a straight jacket, and lock her inside.


	3. Chapter 3: Penelope Taynt Enters

Chapter Three

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[Note: This chapter is written in script format since it is mostly action or flashback sequences. I think it works a lot better this way, so tough cookies!]

* * *

References in this chapter:

-The Shining (1980)

-Chris Farley's appearance on All That (1997)

-Chris Farley's death (also 1997)

-Batman (1966)

-Alien (1979) or the parody from the Simpsons

-Kenan and Kel (the people and the TV show)

* * *

 _It is midnight at the mental institution, all the lights are off. Amanda is still in her padded cell, still tied up in a straight jacket, utterly, utterly alone. Her eyes are focused on something invisible in space. She is shivering dementedly and squinting hard, a la Danny in "The Shining." It turns out she is psychically summoning Penelope Taynt by going into a seizure [_ _Note_ _: Penelope appears real for the rest of the script, despite it being impossible, so tough cookies yet again!]._

 _Penelope awakens in her bedroom, fully alert. She is still wearing the same clothes after 1X years. A loop of Amanda Bynes movies and TV spots endlessly plays on the television at the foot of her bed. A giant nude painting of Amanda hangs above the headboard of her bed (much like the nude paintings in Halloran's room in "The Shining"). She sits up in her bed at full attention._

Penelope: I'm comin' for ya Amanda!

 _She jumps out of bed and sprints out of her room, inexplicably determined._

 _Back in the padded cell, Amanda is shivering. She is hearing voices in her head from the distant past; fifteen years ago at least as if through an ethereal voice filter._

Chris Farley ( _voice over_ ): Hell of an afterparty Dan.

Dan ( _v.o._ ): Yeah thanks Chris.

Chris Farley ( _v.o._ ): Should the kids really be here?

Dan ( _v.o._ ): Yeah sure it's a party innit? Alright now, because you're the special guest, you get Laurie Beth… and I get alllll the other girls.

Chris Farley ( _v.o._ ): Should we really be joking like that in front of the kids?

Dan ( _v.o._ ): No I'm serious.

Chris Farley ( _v.o._ , _clearly disturbed_ ): Oh…

Dan ( _v.o._ ): Here I'll top you off…

Chris Farley ( _v.o._ ): Thanks Dan [ _sniiiffff_ ].

Dan ( _v.o._ ): Ha… Anyway, we're going back to my office; see you in the A.M. m'man.

Amanda ( _v.o._ ): Bye, Mr. Farley!

Chris Farley ( _v.o._ ): Wait… Don't leeeeaaaave meeee!

 _Penelope slows her run as she reaches the gate and the seemingly impenetrable wall of the mental institution. She has come prepared, however: she pulls a grappling hook out of her vest suit thing and shoots it straight up. It somehow latches onto the inside of the roof of the building. She tugs on the gun's cord to get it to recoil._

Penelope: Please...

 _The cord recoils after a comedic delayed reaction and she goes aflyin' up._

 _Deep inside the insanity ward, Amanda is shivering harder. In her head, she recalls a shocking memory in phonographic (pornographic?) detail; she hears urine spraying into a toilet whilst a disposable camera snaps. She also hears the omnipresent voice of her mentor, Dan (she always hears him in her head)._

Dan ( _v.o._ ): You look cute even when you're going to the bathroom!

 _She blushes and responds out loud to the voice in her head._

Amanda: Oh Dan, tee hee!

Dan ( _v.o._ ): I'm serious.

 _Cut to Penelope walking up the mental institution's wall, 1960s Batman style. She is singing a parody of the Batman Theme._

Penelope: NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA AMANDAAAA… please.

NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA NANA AMANDAAAA… please.

 _Cut back to Amanda shivering. She is also drooling now. She has a perverted smile on her face._

Dan ( _v.o._ ): All right, we're gonna send you BOTH in on Amanda this time…

Kenan ( _terrified and pleading_ ) ( _v.o._ ): C'mon Dan, I don't wanna do it anymore!

Kel ( _also terrified and pleading_ ) ( _v.o._ ): I don't wanna do it man, I don't wanna do it…

Dan ( _v.o._ ): You shut the FUCK up NIGGER; you do what the FUCK I tell you… or I will KILL you! I'll cut off the orange soda… or make you overdose!

5 Minutes Guy ( _v.o._ ): We can make it look like an accident so easy Kel…

 _We hear knocking on a door through the ethereal voice filter._

Amanda ( _heard faintly, as if on the other side of the door_ ) ( _v.o._ ): I'm ready for my chocolate injection Dan!

Dan ( _v.o._ ): Two secs dear…

 _Cut to Penelope sliding swiftly through a giant air vent on her stomach. She is whistling the Amanda Show theme._

Penelope: I'm comin' for ya' Amanda!

 _It's all smooth sailing until she reaches the end of the vent. She crashes through it and goes flying. However, it is clearly a dummy flying as she crashes into a wall. She stands up, adjusts her glasses, and begins sneaking around the mental institution in her usual comic manner looking for Amanda. She happens upon the institution's night time security guard, it is the same fat Dan Schneider doppelganger security guard from The Amanda Show._

Security Guard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing out of your cell at this hour?

Penelope: I'm no inmate sir! I am Penelope Taynt, Amanda's number one fan please!

Security Guard: Oh yeah, I remember you. I really don't think she's cleared for visitors just yet.

Penelope: Nonsense, I run Amanda's website www DOT amandaplease DOT com, there is no information on a visitor ban.

Security Guard: That website is still up?

Penelope: Of course, look inside please.

 _The camera pans down from her face to her chest and her strap on laptop computer. Just as she unlatches the laptop on her chest to open it, the camera angle deftly focuses on her back with the fat Danwarpesque security guard in the background looking at the laptop lustfully as if she is flashing him. He is mesmerized._

 _Cut to her front side again. She lays the laptop down on a table._

Penelope: You may peruse the website with my laptop's touchpad mouse please.

 _The security guard begins tooling around the website with the little touchpad mouse._

Penelope: Just stroke it to scroll.

Security Guard: It's 201X, I know how a laptop works.

 _Just as the security guard is sufficiently distracted, Penelope smashes the laptop screen down on the hapless employee's fingers. It clamps down like a mouse trap and he writhes around in pain, flailing the laptop up and down wildly._

Security Guard: Ah! My hands!

Penelope: That's what I call a mouse trap, please!

 _Penelope slinks away. In her search for Amanda, Penelope passes the rooms of various other female characters from the Schneider's Bakery universe who have been institutionalized during their various series [or are these girls really the actresses who played them?]:_

 _-Heather (or rather Linda Cardellini in "Good Burger") preferably dressed in her HAWT goth attire like she was in the Kenan & Kel episode that she was in_

 _-Mindy Crenshaw (or rather Allison Scagliotti on "Drake and Josh") pacing back and forth saying "this is a mental rehabilitation clinic" over and over again_

 _-Cat Valentine (or rather Ariana Grande on "Victorious") with cube fists_

 _-Sam Puckett (or rather Jennette McCurdy on "iCarly") painting a portrait of a hand on canvas._

 _Penelope unlatches each girl's cell doors. They all exit their cells calmly and silently (even Cat! Not singin' nonsense syllables or nothin!) and follow Penelope without saying a word downstairs to the reeeaaallly bad area, the wing of the building for the criminally insane; Amanda's stomping ground, to break her out._


End file.
